


and sometimes i feel like i'm breaking apart

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Family Drama, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:29:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8574841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: robert sugden has never been good enough, and he thought he'd dealt with being the resident sugden family disappointment - embraced it, even.but god, even at thirty years old, there were times that robert was still a little boy who wanted his mum to be proud of him.[post the november 16th episode]





	

**Author's Note:**

> tw: brief allusion to aaron's self-harm & mental health problems and gordons trial - and by brief i mean a few passing allusions to them through mentions of panic attacks and nightmares, but fair warning in case you find that sort of thing triggering.

Robert hadn't said much after Diane left the graveyard, but Aaron hadn’t pushed - he knew what it felt like to grieve, and sometimes talking didn’t help. Robert would talk when he was ready, just like he always did in the end.

Their paths hadn’t really crossed for the rest of the day. Aaron had driven to Leeds for a pick-up late in the day, and he was only just getting in. He’d stopped for food on the way back, too hungry to wait until he got back to the pub.

Robert hadn’t been in the backroom when he got in, but Aaron didn’t think much of that. It wasn’t unusual for Robert to head up to bed early, taking his laptop with him to do a bit of work, or watch some Netflix in bed, escaping the madness that was the backroom of the Woolie for some peace and quiet. 

Aaron couldn’t help but smile. All the little things, the small domestic aspects of their life, were so nice. Whatever might be going on in their lives outside their little bubble in the Woolie didn’t seem to matter sometimes, and it was all about cups of tea, and sharing magazines, and just being together. 

A cup of tea sounded good, now Aaron was thinking about it. He’d check and see if Robert wanted one first though, already halfway up the stairs. 

Pushing open their bedroom door, Aaron was met with an unusual sight - Robert was sitting on the floor of their bedroom, his knees hugged to his chest, tears running down his cheeks. 

He looked so small, and vulnerable, and so much younger than the thirty years he was, and Aaron’s heart broke as he looked at his sobbing fiancé. Robert was really crying his heart out, the only sound in the room his small, broken cries. 

“Robert? Robert, whats wrong?” Aaron dropped to his knees next to Robert, prising his hands away from his face. His cheeks were red and blotchy, tears flowing down his pale face. 

“I just want my mum to be proud of me.” Robert admitted, his soft sobs turning to hysterical tears as he spoke, breaking down completely.

“C’mere.” Aaron’s voice was soft as he pulled Robert close to his chest, hugging him tightly. He held him close, rubbing slow circles across his back - something his mum used to do for him, after Jackson had died.

He remembered how nice it had felt at the time to have a gentle hand on his back, how it had helped him to calm down, easing his sobs slightly. 

“She’d be proud of ya.” Aaron said, pressing his nose to Robert’s hair. “I know she would. Because I’m proud of ya. You’ve been a complete rock for me this past year, Robert, and I wouldn’t have got through any of it without you. Thats summat to be proud of.”

“Diane doesn’t agree.”

“Diane doesn’t know shit. And don’t tell her I said that.” Aaron said, smiling as Robert hiccuped through his tears, his lips stretching into a smile against Aaron’s neck. “She wasn’t there when you were helping me get through all those nightmares after the trial, was she? She wasn’t the one helping me through all the panic attacks I was getting. You were.” 

Robert held onto him tightly, not saying anything, letting his tears flow.

“I know you’ll never get to hear it from your mum.” Aaron said. “But I’ll tell ya I’m proud of you every day for the rest of our lives, if it helps.” 

“Thank you.” Robert said softly.

“And Diane’ll come around. She’s just upset about Andy.” 

“It doesn’t matter. I’m always the disappointment, Aaron - whether it was with my dad, or Diane. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I _do_ is wrong.” Robert said. “And I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of feeling so worthless all the time. Why have I always got to prove myself? I know - I know I’m not a good person, not all the time. But I’m trying.”

“And thats what matters, eh? You’re trying. You’re a better person than the Robert I knew this time last year.” Aaron said. “You’re not worthless, Robert. Please don’t think like that. Because - because its dangerous.”

Robert tightened his grip on Aaron’s waist. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

Aaron didn’t say anything for a second, giving Robert the time to gather his thoughts. This kind of stuff wasn’t easy to talk about, and he knew Robert was the king of bottling his feelings up - just like he was.

“What was so special about Andy that everyone picked him over me? He’s not exactly saintly, is he?” Robert sounded equal measures frustrated and upset now. “I’ve felt like this since I was a _kid_ , and I’m - I’m exhausted. I’m so tired, Aaron.”

“I’d never pick anyone over you, Robert. Not even Andy flaming Sugden.”

Robert snorted. “You aren’t his type.”

“You don’t have to spend everyday of your life trying to prove to everyone you’re worth summat. If they can’t see that, they’re _mad_.” Aaron said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Robert pulled back from Aaron slightly, rubbing at his already red, and sore eyes. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Don’t do yourself an injury.” Aaron teased.

Robert rolled his eyes. “No, I - could I get the number of your counsellor?” He asked, the words hard to get out. “I think.. I think theres a lot of things I need to talk about, and I’m not saying that theres a name for how I’m feeling, or if I….” He trailed off, looking at Aaron.

Aaron gave him an understanding look. “It helps.” He offered, reaching for Robert’s hand, twisting their fingers together. 

“I want to be the best version of me I can be, Aaron, and I don’t - I don’t want to feel like this all the time anymore. Like someone’s going to take all of this away from me because I don't deserve it.”

“You deserve it.” Aaron reassured. “We worked hard enough to get here, you and me.”

Robert nodded, sniffing back fresh tears. He held on to Aaron’s hand tightly, the two of them sitting on their bedroom floor in a companionable silence. 

Tomorrow, Aaron would text him the number for a counsellor in Hotten, and Robert would spend a week trying to work up the courage to call it and make an appointment, and tomorrow Diane would still be annoyed with him, and Andy would still be on the run, and his mum would still be dead.

But tomorrow Aaron would still love him, and he would still be proud of him, and that made facing tomorrow feel a little bit easier.

**Author's Note:**

> i am in an absolute rage over what diane said to robert in tonights episode, and for the second day in a row i had to write some reaction fic.
> 
> tbh, i've headcannoned robert as having some mental health problems that he's not dealing with for a long time, and its something i'd love to see emmerdale broach the topic of, but its something i'd like to broach the topic of more in fic, hence this happened. i've also elected to ignore the existence of the white family. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed! as always, happy to scream about ed over on tumblr (jayerin.)


End file.
